Plugging along

Haven't had a chance to post in a while...time is getting away from me. It's just crazy how fast each days goes by!

I am still plugging away at that weight loss thing and have now lost 9.5 pounds. It's a start, but I am also realistic (since I have done this so many times!) and know that the weight loss will slow down drastically, and that there will be weeks where I will plateau. It's those weeks that I have to be really careful to stick with it and look at the big picture.

This week has been difficult emotionally since it marks the six year anniversary of my daughter's diagnosis. It's been hard thinking back to how it all started. There were days when I was devastated, but also days when I was full of hope.

Today I read a great quote: "Parents of child loss become the world's greatest pretenders. We pretend we're okay, when inside we're falling apart. We pretend we've finally accepted the loss of our child, when we will never understand. We pretend that we feel like smiling, when inside we're crying buckets of tears. Simply put, we wear a mask and pretend life is moving along because if we didn't wear the mask it would scare people."

That quote really spoke to me. It's true, "we" become fantastic actors. It's what we have to do to survive. And I owe it to the rest of my family. But...I hope that someday my smile will be genuine again, that I will laugh out loud because I truly think something is funny, that I look forward to doing activities with my kids rather than feeling obligated to do so. I hope that someday I will be genuine again. Joana will always be missed, but I hope that someday the wound will heal to the point where it is not as raw any more and where I can smile without pretending.

But for right now, I will continue to act and take one day at a time.

Still my cheerleader!

This morning I got up at 6 o'clock to go to the gym. I went downstairs, checked my emails and Facebook, drank something, and sat some more. I just couldn't get myself to go. I opened the patio door, and the cool air felt awesome. I sat back down, and pondered what to do. Yes, I had planned on going to the gym, but a nice, brisk walk outside sounded so much better.

I laced up my shoes and went walking. This is huge for me! Instead of sitting on the couch contemplating till it's too late to go, I allowed myself a last minute change in plans. I did not feel guilty about ditching the gym and enjoyed the cool morning.

While I was walking, I was wondering what Joana would think of this. She was always on my case about going to the gym, and sometimes she would call me just to ask if I went to the gym that morning. Just as I was thinking about this, I looked down on the street and saw this:

 

Yup, she is still my biggest cheerleader, and I take this as a sign that she approved of my change in plans! :)

A new aproach

A couple of years ago I lost quite a bit of weight, but I didn't keep any of it off. At the time, I logged every bite that went into my mouth, counted calories, and I obsessed with tracking my steps with my Fitbit.

Sounds like a great approach, doesn't it? Well, at the time it worked for me, but I am not so sure it was a healthy way...physically and mentally. I allowed myself a certain amount of calories per day. It didn't really matter where those calories came from. Healthy food, junk food, fast food, empty calorie food...everything was fair game as long as I didn't go over my allotted calories.

This time I am not counting any calories. I am trying to feed my body healthy foods, foods with nutritional value. I will exercise, but I will not feel like a failure if there is a day without exercise. I do not have to be perfect to be successful. If this does not work for me, I can always re-evaluate.

Here are some strange ways my mind used to work:

* "I can't have that banana, there are way too many calories in bananas."
* "I didn't exercise today, so I might as well give up for the day and splurge."
* "I can't believe I had a donut this morning. Oh well, I will start again tomorrow morning...which means I can eat whatever I want for the rest of the day."
* "I forgot my Fitbit at home...so why bother walking more."
* "I am not hungry but have 200 calories left for the day... so a scoop of ice cream it is!"

Writing some of these thoughts out makes me realize how warped my thinking was! It worked for a while, but not in the long run. Time to overhaul my thought process!

Two victories

It's so easy to concentrate on our failures and shortcomings, and even easier to overlook our (sometimes very small) victories.

But if we only concentrate on the bad and don't celebrate the good, where does that really lead us? Does it lead to encouragement or does it discourage us?

Yesterday I was supposed to meet up with two friends for dinner after spending an afternoon with my two youngest kiddos in Ann Arbor. It was an emotional  few hours...parking in the parking deck of the hospital where my daughter was treated and where we received the most devastating news, and checking out a tree that was dedicated to Joana by one of her friends after she had passed away. I wish I would have been there by myself so I didn't have to entertain a 7 and a 9 year old...but maybe the distraction of their nonstop chatter was just what I needed. Anyway, I was SO close to canceling our dinner plans because, honestly, with the death of Joana I feel like I have lost all my socializing skills. But - drumroll please, here comes my victory! - I didn't cancel and it turned out to be a very enjoyable evening at a great restaurant! It was nice seeing one of my daughter's best friends and her mom, and the Greek salad I had was absolutely fantastic!

Victory #2 is quick...We didn't get back from Ann Arbor until late, and of course I had to watch the soccer game between Germany and Brazil (which I had recorded) before I went to bed. What a great game with a 7:1 victory for Germany! However, I went to bed later than normal, and really didn't feel like getting up early this morning to go to the gym. But, you guessed it, I got up, went, and now feel great about it!

Two small victories, but quite important in their small ways.

Joana's Tree

You don't get to choose...

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when.
You can only decide how you're going to live. Now." ~ Joan Baez

I really like this quote. I stumbled across it yesterday, and I thought it fits my current train of thought perfectly. So often, I have this strange argument going on in my head. It goes something like this:


"I really need to get in better shape and lose weight."

"Why? You're perfectly healthy. Your blood pressure is great, all your blood work came back
perfect, and overall, you're a very healthy person."

"I guess so. But losing weight would still be good for me, right?"

"Not really. You can't prevent getting sick by losing weight. Look at Joana. She was in perfect shape and exercised a lot, and she died of cancer."

"True. But if I was in better shape, I would maybe be happier."

"Seriously? You think you would be happier just because of losing weight? It won't bring your daughter back."

"But Joana would want me to. She was always so excited when I went to the gym and lost weight."

"Yeah, but that was when she was alive. You can't make her proud any more because she is not alive. You missed your chance."

Did I really miss my chance? Does it not matter any more how I look and how I feel? Sometimes it feels good to have my outside reflect my inside. If I exercise and eat better, and as a result look better, will people think that I am "better" and don't hurt to my core because I lost my daughter? And if so, does it really matter? In a way yes, it does matter. I want others to understand how much I hurt and how hard it is to do everyday things without my daughter here on this earth. I don't want her to be forgotten. I want to tell everyone about her and talk about her as much as I can. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand how much it hurts, and as a result, treasure what they have. It can all change so fast....

I feel like I am rambling...

Back to the quote by Joan Baez. It is true that you cannot choose when or how you die. I might die tomorrow in an accident, or I may develop terminal cancer soon. And yes, then it didn't matter if I lost weight or not. But I may also live another 30 or 40 years, and then it will matter. Do I really want to spent year after year feeling depressed about how I look and not do activities I would enjoy because of my weight? Definitely not. Is my pain of losing Joana going to get better if I lose weight? Probably not. But I owe it to her to make the best of my life.

Losing weight is only one aspect of this journey to becoming fit. Learning how to live a happy life without my daughter is another. I lost her, but I still have three others, and they deserve a mom who is there for them.

So I am going to decide how I am going to live. Now.

The beginning...

How to start....

Some may say, "What, she is starting ANOTHER blog? Why does she need another one?" And there might be some truth to it...but this blog will be very different from the other ones I have written.

My first blog was a family blog to keep everyone up to date on our day-to-day activities. My second one was a Caringbridge Site which I started when my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor and solely focused on her and our post-cancer world, my third one was a "secret" one that only a handful of people knew about (in which I tried to put into words my fears and worries), and my fifth one only went as far as a title and a cool header, but never had any posts.

So why "Fit after Loss"? On October 4, 2013 - 9 months and two days ago - I lost my daughter Joana after a five year long battle with brain cancer just after her 21st birthday. Joana was my biggest cheer leader when it came to getting in shape and losing weight. In fact, just a few years ago I lost over 40 pounds and was pretty close to my goal weight. She often told me how proud she was of me and the way I looked. Then her health started to deteriorate, and with that my resolve to be in shape and eat better. Many trips to the hospital resulted in many trips to the cafeteria there, where I drowned my fears in high-fat, unhealthy foods. Food was my way to cope, my way to find comfort. And if I already made such poor food choices, why bother exercising, right?

Last year in April, she and I took a mini-trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. At this point we knew that her tumor was growing again, but we were still hoping that she would be okay. One of our talks while strolling through the mall was my weight, and how disgusted I was with the way I looked. That night she had a bad seizure, and she struggled to regain her "before" speech. I told her - and we even shook on this - that if she has so much strength to overcome all of her difficulties, then the least I can do is overcome my food addiction, lose weight, and exercise again. She had the biggest smile on her face, and we decided that when I reached my goal weight, we would take another trip and go clothes shopping for me (Joana LOVED fashion!!).

Well, Joana's tumor had other plans for her. Less than six months after this trip to Minneapolis, her cancer cut her young life short and I held my beautiful daughter for the very last time.

That day, my heart broke in a million pieces and I know that it will never be the same again.

Since then, I have gained a lot of weight because - honestly - I just didn't care and I again used food to comfort myself and to get myself through each day.

Yes, it would be so much easier to keep going like that, but I know Joana would be so disappointed in me. She never let her cancer stop her. She continued going to college even when her tumor made learning very difficult for her. The weekend after finding out that her tumor had returned and she would require another brain surgery (her third), she went to Ohio to compete in a Ballroom Dance Competition. When I asked her if she was still planning on going, her response was, "Why wouldn't I? It's not like they are going to do the surgery this weekend." No, she lived her short live to the fullest, and I can learn so much from her.

This blog will be my companion through my journey...my journey to better health, my journey through my grief, my journey of learning how to live (and not just exist) without Joana.

I know that's what she would want me to do.