Plugging along

Haven't had a chance to post in a while...time is getting away from me. It's just crazy how fast each days goes by!

I am still plugging away at that weight loss thing and have now lost 9.5 pounds. It's a start, but I am also realistic (since I have done this so many times!) and know that the weight loss will slow down drastically, and that there will be weeks where I will plateau. It's those weeks that I have to be really careful to stick with it and look at the big picture.

This week has been difficult emotionally since it marks the six year anniversary of my daughter's diagnosis. It's been hard thinking back to how it all started. There were days when I was devastated, but also days when I was full of hope.

Today I read a great quote: "Parents of child loss become the world's greatest pretenders. We pretend we're okay, when inside we're falling apart. We pretend we've finally accepted the loss of our child, when we will never understand. We pretend that we feel like smiling, when inside we're crying buckets of tears. Simply put, we wear a mask and pretend life is moving along because if we didn't wear the mask it would scare people."

That quote really spoke to me. It's true, "we" become fantastic actors. It's what we have to do to survive. And I owe it to the rest of my family. But...I hope that someday my smile will be genuine again, that I will laugh out loud because I truly think something is funny, that I look forward to doing activities with my kids rather than feeling obligated to do so. I hope that someday I will be genuine again. Joana will always be missed, but I hope that someday the wound will heal to the point where it is not as raw any more and where I can smile without pretending.

But for right now, I will continue to act and take one day at a time.