The beginning...

How to start....

Some may say, "What, she is starting ANOTHER blog? Why does she need another one?" And there might be some truth to it...but this blog will be very different from the other ones I have written.

My first blog was a family blog to keep everyone up to date on our day-to-day activities. My second one was a Caringbridge Site which I started when my oldest daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor and solely focused on her and our post-cancer world, my third one was a "secret" one that only a handful of people knew about (in which I tried to put into words my fears and worries), and my fifth one only went as far as a title and a cool header, but never had any posts.

So why "Fit after Loss"? On October 4, 2013 - 9 months and two days ago - I lost my daughter Joana after a five year long battle with brain cancer just after her 21st birthday. Joana was my biggest cheer leader when it came to getting in shape and losing weight. In fact, just a few years ago I lost over 40 pounds and was pretty close to my goal weight. She often told me how proud she was of me and the way I looked. Then her health started to deteriorate, and with that my resolve to be in shape and eat better. Many trips to the hospital resulted in many trips to the cafeteria there, where I drowned my fears in high-fat, unhealthy foods. Food was my way to cope, my way to find comfort. And if I already made such poor food choices, why bother exercising, right?

Last year in April, she and I took a mini-trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. At this point we knew that her tumor was growing again, but we were still hoping that she would be okay. One of our talks while strolling through the mall was my weight, and how disgusted I was with the way I looked. That night she had a bad seizure, and she struggled to regain her "before" speech. I told her - and we even shook on this - that if she has so much strength to overcome all of her difficulties, then the least I can do is overcome my food addiction, lose weight, and exercise again. She had the biggest smile on her face, and we decided that when I reached my goal weight, we would take another trip and go clothes shopping for me (Joana LOVED fashion!!).

Well, Joana's tumor had other plans for her. Less than six months after this trip to Minneapolis, her cancer cut her young life short and I held my beautiful daughter for the very last time.

That day, my heart broke in a million pieces and I know that it will never be the same again.

Since then, I have gained a lot of weight because - honestly - I just didn't care and I again used food to comfort myself and to get myself through each day.

Yes, it would be so much easier to keep going like that, but I know Joana would be so disappointed in me. She never let her cancer stop her. She continued going to college even when her tumor made learning very difficult for her. The weekend after finding out that her tumor had returned and she would require another brain surgery (her third), she went to Ohio to compete in a Ballroom Dance Competition. When I asked her if she was still planning on going, her response was, "Why wouldn't I? It's not like they are going to do the surgery this weekend." No, she lived her short live to the fullest, and I can learn so much from her.

This blog will be my companion through my journey...my journey to better health, my journey through my grief, my journey of learning how to live (and not just exist) without Joana.

I know that's what she would want me to do.