Walking with Joana

Tonight I went to the cemetery to water Joana's flowers and cut the grass around her headstone, and to walk for a bit. One loop around the cemetery is exactly one mile, and since I worked out at Planet Fitness this morning, I was only planning on walking one loop, two at the most.

But then it was so peaceful there. I absolutely love the cemetery we chose for Joana, and as weird as it sounds, I couldn't stop walking. My thoughts were all over the place, and before I knew it, I had walked four miles!

I thought about my losing weight and my fears associated with it. I know quite a few people who have been very successful at losing weight, and honestly, I am scared that I can't measure up to them. I know that's silly since it's not a competition, but I can't help the feelings. What if I tell people that I am trying to lose weight, but then I fail? What if I lose the weight but then gain it back? What if I decide to throw in the towel?

But wait...this is the former Tina talking. I need to shift my thinking and not worry about others. I am doing this for myself, and I am not accountable to anybody else. But this is not entirely true either. When I was in Minneapolis with Joana last year, we talked about my wanting to lose weight, and we made a deal: I would lose the weight, and then we would go shopping for new clothes together. We even shook on it.

I don't know if Joana can see what is going on down here on earth, but if she does, I want her to be proud and see that I am sticking to my part of the bargain. I know we will never go clothes shopping together, but I can't use that as an excuse for not doing my part. Being fit was always very important to her, and I will make her proud.

I know that every day will not be a "good" day (=good food choices), but I will not allow one "bad"day (=poor food choices) set the trend for the following days. One bad day will not make me gain all the weight back, but if I let one day lead to two, then three, then four....then I'll be in trouble. If I make poor choices, I promise myself to move on instead of dwelling on it. If I dwell on it, it will lead to more overeating.

It felt like I walked four miles with Joana. Although I generally do not feel closer to her at the cemetery, I felt like I was talking to her tonight as I was walking. And I am sure she gave me a "thumbs up" and a "Good job, Mama!"