The last week was rough. Rough in more ways than one...
In the past seven days, I have eaten in restaurants 4...yes, four!!!...times. Needless to say, I didn't expect a weight loss this week and was actually pleasantly surprised that I did lose half a pound. But I also know that I can't keep going like this, because I truly feel like I am pushing my luck. I think what saved me was that I regularly went to the gym, and I (sort of) tried to make healthier choices at the restaurants. But regardless, I know that if I keep eating like that, the pounds will not come off the way I would like them to, so it's time to get my act together and plan meals!
This past week was also rough emotionally. It is getting closer to the one year anniversaries....one year since Joana's hospital stay where we were told her cancer was terminal, one year since hospice, one year since her last birthday with us, one year since her last birthday party, one year since the last time she was able to speak, one year since the last time she was able to get up, one year since the last time I was able to hold and kiss her, and of course one year since she passed away. These next six weeks will be filled with many of these one year anniversaries, and I am struggling. The finality of it all is crushing down on me, and some days it feels like it is suffocating me. The pain of losing your child is of a magnitude that you can not possibly imagine if you have not lived through the nightmare yourself.
Some days I wonder if it will ever get easier. What I have experienced so far is that each month it gets a little harder, the emptiness a little worse, the loneliness a little deeper. Missing your child hurts to the core.
But as I have said before, I owe it to Joana to live a life she would be proud of. Her life was taken from her, but I still have mine, and I need to live it in a way Joana would approve of.
For right now, I have to "fake it", but I hope that there will be a time again where I will feel happy and my smile will be genuine.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
-
"I don't know how you do it. If my daughter died, there is no way I could keep on going like you do." A very innocent senten...
-
...in a little yellow flower. For the last couple of weeks I have pondered if I should start blogging again. Blogging is a touchy subject ...
You can do it! What I have realized is that it doesn't get easier and the pain never goes away, but I've gotten better dealing with my pain. Some say, "time heals all things." I disagree. I don't think time heals, but it does help you learn how to cope better. Keep up the hard work. You are a great person and great mom and Joana would be proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sarah! <3 I am still brand new in this grief journey, but I agree with you that I don't think the pain will ever go away, but I will (hopefully) be able to handle it better as the months go by. You are an inspiration to me!!
Delete