"Doing okay"

What does "doing okay" really mean?

Today I talked to a friend and asked her how someone was doing...someone she knows very well and who has also lost a child to brain cancer a little over five years ago. She told me that the whole family was doing really well and went into a bit more detail.

Then I started to think. If someone was asked how I was doing, they would probably also say that I am doing really well. After all, I "look" like I am doing fine. I go to work every day, I don't have swollen eyes from crying all day long, I take care of my family, I laugh, I decorated for Christmas, I started a scholarship in Joana's honor, I don't hide at home all day long...so wouldn't you say I am doing okay?

But what dose "doing okay" really mean? My heart hurts every minute of the day, I cry when no one sees me, I don't sleep well, I comfort myself with food, I am unmotivated and have to force myself to do most of the things that others see and that would cause them to say that I am doing okay. Is that "doing okay"?

And if it is not, how many other people are really not doing okay that appear to be doing fine? There is no way to look at someone's heart to see how much they are hurting on the inside.

I don't know if you can ever be "okay" after losing a child. Watching my daughter suffer and eventually take her last breath will haunt me forever. The memories of the awful last days still overshadow the good memories I had with her. I often wake up after dreaming that she has died...only to realize that the nightmare was really not a nightmare after all.

So, what does "doing okay" really mean? If it means I can function and take care of the things I have to take care of, then yes, I am doing okay. But if it means that my heart is healing and I am enjoying doing  these things, then no, I am not okay.

It is so easy to look at someone without realizing how much they are hurting, how hard they have to work at appearing "okay". So please be gentle with others...you never know what they are dealing with and what their hearts look like....maybe they have to struggle every day to survive with a broken heart.