Reflections

Over the past few weeks, I have received a few compliments about my losing weight. Things like, "You look great" and "I am so glad you're doing better."

The last one made me think a lot. Am I doing better after losing Joana? Why is my outside not reflecting the deep pain I am feeling? Am I "betraying" Joana by taking care of my body and looking like I am doing great?

Then I thought back to February when I was in the hospital and had major surgery, and my body looked anything but great. It was okay for me to look awful, because my body was going through some rough stuff. My outside for once matched my inside. It was okay to burst into tears at the most random times and it was okay to not smile and act like everything was okay.

But since then I have come to realize that I have to take care of my body better, and I have done a pretty good job. Exercising, eating healthy (for the most part), trying to get enough sleep...which all resulted in the above mentioned compliments. While it is nice to hear compliments, a part of me feels like screaming, "But I still miss Joana just as much! Nothing has changed, my daughter is still gone!" Am I just overly sensitive and maybe others don't even connect those two? When I hear "You look great," do they not mean, "You look like you don't miss Joana as much any more?" Do they truly just mean that they can tell I have lost weight? Am I reading too much into everything?

Well, now I am back to being in the hospital, probably looking awful since I haven't taken a shower, am on pain meds, and don't feel the greatest. Yes, my outside matches my inside.....but I want nothing more than to go home and go back to taking care of my body! My treadmill is waiting for me, my new blender is ready to make some awesome smoothies, and my bed would like me to sleep in it again....