You don't get to choose...

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when.
You can only decide how you're going to live. Now." ~ Joan Baez

I really like this quote. I stumbled across it yesterday, and I thought it fits my current train of thought perfectly. So often, I have this strange argument going on in my head. It goes something like this:


"I really need to get in better shape and lose weight."

"Why? You're perfectly healthy. Your blood pressure is great, all your blood work came back
perfect, and overall, you're a very healthy person."

"I guess so. But losing weight would still be good for me, right?"

"Not really. You can't prevent getting sick by losing weight. Look at Joana. She was in perfect shape and exercised a lot, and she died of cancer."

"True. But if I was in better shape, I would maybe be happier."

"Seriously? You think you would be happier just because of losing weight? It won't bring your daughter back."

"But Joana would want me to. She was always so excited when I went to the gym and lost weight."

"Yeah, but that was when she was alive. You can't make her proud any more because she is not alive. You missed your chance."

Did I really miss my chance? Does it not matter any more how I look and how I feel? Sometimes it feels good to have my outside reflect my inside. If I exercise and eat better, and as a result look better, will people think that I am "better" and don't hurt to my core because I lost my daughter? And if so, does it really matter? In a way yes, it does matter. I want others to understand how much I hurt and how hard it is to do everyday things without my daughter here on this earth. I don't want her to be forgotten. I want to tell everyone about her and talk about her as much as I can. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand how much it hurts, and as a result, treasure what they have. It can all change so fast....

I feel like I am rambling...

Back to the quote by Joan Baez. It is true that you cannot choose when or how you die. I might die tomorrow in an accident, or I may develop terminal cancer soon. And yes, then it didn't matter if I lost weight or not. But I may also live another 30 or 40 years, and then it will matter. Do I really want to spent year after year feeling depressed about how I look and not do activities I would enjoy because of my weight? Definitely not. Is my pain of losing Joana going to get better if I lose weight? Probably not. But I owe it to her to make the best of my life.

Losing weight is only one aspect of this journey to becoming fit. Learning how to live a happy life without my daughter is another. I lost her, but I still have three others, and they deserve a mom who is there for them.

So I am going to decide how I am going to live. Now.