Still pushing my luck...

The last week was rough. Rough in more ways than one...

In the past seven days, I have eaten in restaurants 4...yes, four!!!...times. Needless to say, I didn't expect a weight loss this week and was actually pleasantly surprised that I did lose half a pound. But I also know that I can't keep going like this, because I truly feel like I am pushing my luck. I think what saved me was that I regularly went to the gym, and I (sort of) tried to make healthier choices at the restaurants. But regardless, I know that if I keep eating like that, the pounds will not come off the way I would like them to, so it's time to get my act together and plan meals!

This past week was also rough emotionally. It is getting closer to the one year anniversaries....one year since Joana's hospital stay where we were told her cancer was terminal, one year since hospice, one year since her last birthday with us, one year since her last birthday party, one year since the last time she was able to speak, one year since the last time she was able to get up, one year since the last time I was able to hold and kiss her, and of course one year since she passed away. These next six weeks will be filled with many of these one year anniversaries, and I am struggling. The finality of it all is crushing down on me, and some days it feels like it is suffocating me. The pain of losing your child is of a magnitude that you can not possibly imagine if you have not lived through the nightmare yourself.

Some days I wonder if it will ever get easier. What I have experienced so far is that each month it gets a little harder, the emptiness a little worse, the loneliness a little deeper. Missing your child hurts to the core.

But as I have said before, I owe it to Joana to live a life she would be proud of. Her life was taken from her, but I still have mine, and I need to live it in a way Joana would approve of.

For right now, I have to "fake it", but I hope that there will be a time again where I will feel happy and my smile will be genuine.

Walking with Joana

Tonight I went to the cemetery to water Joana's flowers and cut the grass around her headstone, and to walk for a bit. One loop around the cemetery is exactly one mile, and since I worked out at Planet Fitness this morning, I was only planning on walking one loop, two at the most.

But then it was so peaceful there. I absolutely love the cemetery we chose for Joana, and as weird as it sounds, I couldn't stop walking. My thoughts were all over the place, and before I knew it, I had walked four miles!

I thought about my losing weight and my fears associated with it. I know quite a few people who have been very successful at losing weight, and honestly, I am scared that I can't measure up to them. I know that's silly since it's not a competition, but I can't help the feelings. What if I tell people that I am trying to lose weight, but then I fail? What if I lose the weight but then gain it back? What if I decide to throw in the towel?

But wait...this is the former Tina talking. I need to shift my thinking and not worry about others. I am doing this for myself, and I am not accountable to anybody else. But this is not entirely true either. When I was in Minneapolis with Joana last year, we talked about my wanting to lose weight, and we made a deal: I would lose the weight, and then we would go shopping for new clothes together. We even shook on it.

I don't know if Joana can see what is going on down here on earth, but if she does, I want her to be proud and see that I am sticking to my part of the bargain. I know we will never go clothes shopping together, but I can't use that as an excuse for not doing my part. Being fit was always very important to her, and I will make her proud.

I know that every day will not be a "good" day (=good food choices), but I will not allow one "bad"day (=poor food choices) set the trend for the following days. One bad day will not make me gain all the weight back, but if I let one day lead to two, then three, then four....then I'll be in trouble. If I make poor choices, I promise myself to move on instead of dwelling on it. If I dwell on it, it will lead to more overeating.

It felt like I walked four miles with Joana. Although I generally do not feel closer to her at the cemetery, I felt like I was talking to her tonight as I was walking. And I am sure she gave me a "thumbs up" and a "Good job, Mama!"

By the skin of my teeth

It's been a long time since I wrote, and a lot has been going on.
Let's just say that this past week I was very, very lucky that I was able to mark a loss on my weight tracking chart...I really didn't deserve it! And who knows, maybe my bad food choices will take a few more days to catch up with me and next week will show a gain? I guess only time will tell.

The past four weeks have been extremely busy. My mom came to visit from Germany, and it was great spending time with her. We went on a one week vacation to Wisconsin, and the whole time there I did great food and exercise wise. When we got back, I had one more week to get ready for the 5k run/walk we put on to raise money for the scholarship I established in honor and memory of my daughter. We had a fantastic turnout and the whole event was a huge success.

The day after the race, I took my mom back to the airport because her time here in Michigan was already over. And then followed a week of poor food choices....

I know exactly what happened... I had been so busy and had so many things going on - my mom's visit, our vacation, the race - and all of those things were over all at once. It was like a big let down, nothing new to look forward to, nothing to plan, nothing to get ready for.

Did food make me feel better? Nope, not at all. Do I regret my poor choices? Absolutely. Am I going to let this one week define the next week and continue down the wrong path? Absolutely not.

I know I made the wrong choices, but this time I was able to catch myself before it got completely out of hand. And through my days of eating poorly, I still continued to exercise.

The next couple of months will be emotionally difficult for me. September brings the one year anniversary of being told that my daughter's cancer was terminal and that her doctors couldn't help her any more, and October brings the one year anniversary of her death. I am worried how I will make it through those two hard months, but I know that somehow I will. There really is no other option. But I might need a bit of extra support, and if you see me drown my pain in food....please stop me!