Feelings 101

One year ago today, I took Joana to Ann Arbor to see her oncologist for the last time.

One year ago, I met our hospice nurse for the first time.

One year ago, I knew that two days later we would celebrate Joana's last birthday with us.

One year ago, I thought I still had a couple of months with Joana.


The last year went by in a fog, a daze. I think your body has the ability to protect itself from the harsh reality so you can survive.

Joana's death still feels so unreal. The finality still has not completely sunk in, and I am scared what it will be like when it does.

How, you ask? How can the death of your child feel unreal? Isn't she gone? Hasn't it been almost a year since you have seen her?

Well, I have no answers. In my mind, I know that Joana has died. And I know that she won't come back. But somehow, on a level that I can't explain, it still feels unreal. It's almost like my senses and emotions have become dull, like there is a huge buffer on them that doesn't allow me to feel....good or bad. I have to function...as a mother to my other kids, as a wife, at work...and in order to do this, I have to push my feelings and emotions far, far away.

I belong to a group on Facebook for bereaved moms, and they have week-long retreats a couple of times a year. Moms get together, talk about their kids, cry together, laugh together, and enjoy being with a group of women who know what it feels like to lose a child. It sounds like such a safe environment to start the healing process, but unfortunately, the retreats are never held during summer vacation, so I wouldn't be able to go.

Honestly, I am afraid what will happen if I allow myself to feel more. Could I get out of bed in the morning? Could I function at work? Could I be a mom to the other kids? Or would the pain and sense of loss be so overwhelming?

And how can you allow yourself to feel just enough so you don't feel numb, but not so much that you can't function? Is there a middle ground, and if so, how can you find it? And when you allow some emotions to surface, will other emotions sweep you away?

For now, I will archive those thoughts and concentrate on making it through the next two weeks. Maybe I will revisit them then.