The second year

This post is so well written that I had to "steal" it. I can relate to so many of the things expressed here, and I couldn't have said it better myself.

THE SECOND YEAR: My Journey through year two.

Except for true acceptance, which is the last of the 5 stages of grief, the second year I have experienced to be the very hardest. As the fog and busyness (all of the 'firsts') of the first year fade, we find ourselves more alone as many have gone back to their lives and we spend more time by ourselves with our grief. We resent or are angry that it seems no one but us remember our angel. I call this the 'reality check' year as the fog has now lifted, the numbness is now gone and we see the world going on around us, but we are stuck where we are. Our child's friends are going on with their lives. Graduations, weddings, college, new jobs, having children. All of the milestones in lives that we had envisioned for our own children and we realize that they will never be a part of nor will they ever achieve. We become more panicked, if that is possible. Everything becomes permanent with all of the 'seconds' of each holiday, birthday or special events.. nothing is the same and we now know that nothing will ever be the same. Not for us, not for our child or even our family and friends... it is as if we are realizing and truly comprehending that this is truly for real and there is no going back. There is no way to fix this, there is nothing more for us to do. This is also when we realize that our futures have been forever altered and we must now recreate them anew each and everyday. Who are we if part of our identity has been taken and our futures are gone from us. This is a year of reality, a year of the most difficult and draining work for us to get thru.. It is when we must now make the hard decisions for our own sanity, to seek help for our depression and complicated grief from a professional therapist, grief group or medical doctor because we realize this is too difficult to do alone. This is the year that starts new traditions for each holiday, birthday or special day of the year. We begin to lose those around us who cannot understand us or cannot be around a grieving parent each day. We also find new friends who truly understand our journey as we reach out to them to understand our own path thru this grief. There is such a huge transition between the busy and foggy first year of numbness and pain to the second year of permanance and hard work of grief that we seem to become so much worse even though we are going forward. Please know that it is the nature of the beast as our brains fog themselves during the first year so we can function and actually do and get thru all the things we need to do for our angel.. thank goodness it does... but, when that fog lifts and the reality sets in, it feels as we have walked into a brick wall and cannot fathom that this pain or grief will ever get better. It is now when we need our faith and hope the most on this journey as we are in such a place of darkness and despair that we can no longer see the light at the end of this gut wrenching, heartache of grief. Our pain seems to control us even more than the first year, we now notice it more as it isn't letting up. But do not totally despair, as this 'acute' stage of painful grief does eventually recede and we do find ourselves onto yrs 3 and 4 in a different state of mind having survived that horrid second year of in our face, heartbroken reality. There truly is hope, there truly is light. the light is still there, we just have to keep going towards it no matter how difficult it seems.. we have survived the very worst day of our lives, we will also survive our grief. We are moms. We are the strongest beings on this earth. We may not feel so strong right now, but, if you think about how much you have endured so far, you will find your own strength. It is led by the love we have for our angel and our desire to get back to living. To learn to live with our angel by our side, to not stay stuck in this one stage of grief... we hope for better days, we beg for relief of heartache and we keep the faith that we will prevail. We can do this. We will do this no matter how hard the journey, to honor our angels lives and to honor our own place and purpose in this world we live in. There are many who love us and many who need us, and in helping others, we also help ourselves as we learn our own path from those on it that have gone before us. Listen to their wisdom. Hear their survival and their methods that helped them along their way. Use the methods that work for you, as your path is as unique as your relationship to your child is. Know that life is a journey and we must go with it or it will go on without us. We do not want to live here in this darkness, we want to find our way to the light. There will always be pain, but it will no longer control us.. there will always be times of sadness, but also times of joy. It is a balance of sorrow for our loss and happiness for our lives that we must learn to live again. No matter the tragedy, our lives are forever altered . Although this is our worst tragedy , we will get thru it also and come out stronger for having suffered thru it.. Hold on... it will come. Hold on.. it will ease. Hold on, the horrible daily pain will end... This horribble no good, very bad, gut wrenching, heart gripping, can't stand it one more minute pain.. will end... Our grief will turn to sorrow and loss.. our lives will be better and we will have created the person we will now become because of our struggles thru this terrible time.... It is hard work, but, we have never shied from hard work before and we will not do so now. We will take it one day at a time and when our grief grips us, we will embrace it, work thru it and then let it go each and every day. Grief is an emotion that we need to learn to control.. and we will. We will take hold of it and we will conquer it.. we are so much stronger than we think.. look back at how far we have already come from that first day, that first week that we thought we couldn't survive. Yet, here we are in year two.. still going forward.. still wrestling with the pain, still figuring out who we are and where we go from here. We are fighters, we are survivors, we are MOMS.... and our angels and those we love are counting on us to get thru this year and on to the next.. we can, we will, we matter, we are worth it... and here, we are never alone.. hand in hand, heart to heart we will learn from each other and we will help each other go forward.. one day , one moment at a time... Hold on moms... we got this.. Our love for our children will sustain us... Their quest for life will propel us forward.. their strength will get us thru this worst time of our lives............................ we can.. we will.. together