Rough week

This has been a rough week as I am struggling with Joana's birthday coming up on the 25th. It's her first birthday that we will "celebrate" without her, and I'm not sure how I will hold it together on that day. The kids think we should have birthday cake, but I don't know if I can do that. On the one hand, I think I will feel like something is missing if we don't have cake, but on the other hand I know how incredibly hard it will be to make a cake for my daughter who is not here with us any more.

Either way, I think the day will be incredibly difficult and I am dreading it. Last year Joana was still able to open gifts with us on her "real" birthday, but only 3 days later, when we had her party, she wasn't able to any more. And 9 days after her birthday she passed away. The memories are so painful and often take my breath away. I miss her so, so much, more than words could possibly explain.

I was thinking about making a slide show with pictures of Joana in honor of her birthday, but even that turned out to be too painful. Seeing her big smile on the photos throughout the years and knowing that that smile was stolen from her leaves me so very sad and angry.

One year ago we had so many lasts, and this year is full of firsts....firsts without Joana.