A sign...or just coincidence?

I belong to a couple different groups on Facebook for grieving parents, and one of the things others often write about is that they occasionally receive signs from their deceased children. I am not sure what I believe about this, but I would absolutely LOVE it if our loved ones could - and would - send us signs and messages.

 

Today it has been exactly one year since Joana was admitted to the hospital for the last time and tomorrow it will be one year since I found out that her cancer was terminal. In addition, next week will be her first birthday that she won't spend with us and nine days after that will be her first death anniversary. This is an extremely difficult time for me, and I feel myself growing anxious and very, very angry. Angry at myself, angry at the cancer, angry at others for a myriad of reasons.

 

Tonight I had to go to a store to buy a birthday present, and when I paid for my purchase, I saw an angel on the counter. All by itself, totally out of place, not where it should be on the shelf with all the other WillowTree figurines. And not just any old angel...an angel carrying an armful of yellow flowers! Was it a sign...or just coincidence? I would love to believe that Joana placed it there specifically for me, to send me some comfort and strength for this difficult month.

 

 

 



New Name - Take Two

Last night, after renaming my blog to "Navigating Loss", I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Something was bothering me about the new name, and I knew it wasn't 100% perfect.

I thought about Joana and tried to come up with a way I could make her part of my blog title without using her name. Suddenly it hit me.... Joana LOVED yellow flowers because she said they looked so happy and I know she would like for me to someday find peace and happiness again...hence the name "Chasing yellow flowers," which I think is absolutely perfect!

I was so excited to get home from school today to work on my new blog look, and I like the way it turned out. Hopefully this will be a comforting place for me where I can reflect, write, and find some much needed peace.

And I promise that I won't change the name again!

New Name!

I have been contemplating renaming my blog for a while now and tonight I took the plunge.

"Fit after Loss" was a great name when I thought my blog would be primarily about my journey to becoming a fit and healthy bereaved mom. But I quickly realized that there is so much more to write about, so many thoughts I would like to get down on paper (or the screen), so many things I would like to say that didn't fit the "Fit after Loss" name.

So tonight I decided to rename my blog to "Navigating My Way Through Loss". I am writing this blog for myself, but you are more than welcome to accompany me on my journey. It will be honest and straight forward, and maybe it will help you understand me a bit better. I am not one to talk about my feelings much, but writing is therapeutic for me and helps me sort out my jumbled emotions.

For now, I will blog here but I will stay quiet on Facebook as I have noticed that it has caused me lots of anxiety and always leaves me with an empty feeling, a feeling of loneliness and sadness.

For tonight I will close with an excerpt from a website I found and that really spoke to me. It is called "Grief, Loss and Insidious Loneliness." I had never heard the term insidious loneliness, but I can relate 100%.

One of the most painful aspects of the grieving process can be loneliness. We expect to be sad, but the feeling of loneliness has its own and subtly different kind of pain. It can be unsettling and scary. What you need to know is that you are not alone in feeling these feelings. They are quite common in women.

I hope that just knowing that will help you to feel a little less lonely.

It makes perfect sense to feel lonely at times. The one who you loved so much and the one who loved you so much is gone. It is an awful feeling. You yearn for him. You want her back. You miss him. You need her. And he is not there. She is not there. It’s not fair, it’s wrong, and yet it’s the truth you are living. This is normal. And natural. It comes with the territory. You will be lonely for the person you lost.

Loneliness is part of your journey.

But there is another kind of loneliness that no one really talks about. I call it “insidious loneliness.” Insidious loneliness is the kind of loneliness that makes you feel like you are alone in the world. It’s the sensation of walking through your life, within your life and around your life without actually being part of your life. It’s the odd experience of seeing people laughing and thinking “How can they be happy? Don’t they know that my daughter is gone?”

Other people don’t even have to be laughing or smiling for you to experience this confusion. They could just be living their lives. But you’re not. You’re disconnected from them and disconnected even from your own feeling of being engaged in life.

Insidious loneliness is slowly and subtly harmful and doesn’t serve any good purpose…for you, for your grieving process, or for anyone else.

Insidious loneliness occurs because we think (it may or may not be true) that no one really gets how much we are suffering. Most women I know are pleasers – we like making other people happy. While we are grieving, we sometimes look and act like we’re fine. We do this without trying or sometimes we know we’re hurting and we put on the happy face. Some may even comment about how well we’re handling our loss. We may even smile and agree, but inside we know the truth. It hurts and it’s awful.

The thing that seems to help the most with insidious loneliness is telling your truth to someone. I’m talking about the real truth about what is actually going on with your grieving process.

Find one fabulous, kind, loving, nonjudgmental, smart, understanding person and tell that person your truth. Find someone who knows you and who accepts you for the wonderful person that you are. Tell them how lonely you feel. Tell them how disconnected you feel. Tell them how lost you feel.

Don’t assume they already know. Chances are, you’re probably doing a good job hiding it.

If you don’t feel like there is anyone else in your life that you can safely tell these things to, or if you don’t want to burden them, then think about finding a professional grief counselor. Most of them understand the loneliness you are feeling and can help you work through it.

Having at least one person on the planet that knows – that really knows – what you’re going through can relieve you of your insidious loneliness.

Inadequate

For the last couple of weeks I have felt really awkward and inadequate about this blog, and have even tossed around the idea of abandoning it. Why? Simple. How can I possible write about getting fit and in shape when I struggle each and every day with it? When I have days where I plain don't care? When I feel like I am on a slippery slope that's tilted backwards and I can't stop myself from sliding down?

The last two weeks have been tough. Tougher than the other 45 weeks since Joana's death. Is it because the anniversaries are coming up? Is it because reality is setting in that she will never come back? Is it because the fear that something will happen to my other kids is too overwhelming? Or is it simply because a person can only take so much longing for someone before they start to feel physically sick from the big void they carry around?

I started this blog with the intention of concentrating on getting fit and well. But right now I am unable to focus on that....at least the physical aspect of getting well. I feel like I need to get in a better spot mentally before I can focus on the rest again.

And that's where I am stuck. How do I get to that place? I realize that grief is very lonely. No one misses Joana the same way I do, because no one else was her mom. Others can't possibly understand how I feel (unless they have lost a child themselves), so I don't talk about it. They can't understand why I feel guilty and blame myself for a lot of the things that happened. So I don't bring it up any more. They can't imagine what it feels like to hold your child when she takes her last breath and there is absolutely nothing you can do to save her. The desperation you feel is something I will never be able to put into words.

On the outside I appear to be doing very well, but it's exhausting to keep up that façade.

And I wonder...if Joana can see what is going on down here on earth, does she see it with "human" eyes? Does she only see that her mom goes to work every day, takes care of the rest of the family, laughs and makes jokes, and looks to be doing just fine? Or does she see so much deeper and knows how much I hurt? How much of an effort it is to carry on with mundane, everyday tasks? How tiring it is to function and pretend to be okay? If that is the case, she would be very disappointed in me.

I have read many Facebook posts by grieving mothers, and it is very discouraging to read, "it never gets easier, it will just be different." Will it really never get easier? Will I really never feel truly happy again?

I bought a couple of books that were written by mothers who have lost their children, and I truly hope that these books will give me some hope that yes, there will be a day when I will feel happy again, without pretending. I know I can survive this (because what choice do I have, right?), but I don't want to live for the rest of my live just surviving.

So if you see me - or any grieving person for that matter - please try to understand that you are just looking at a shell, that there is so much more to us than our hollow smile. A big part of us was taken, and we have to learn to live with a huge hole in our hearts.

Still pushing my luck...

The last week was rough. Rough in more ways than one...

In the past seven days, I have eaten in restaurants 4...yes, four!!!...times. Needless to say, I didn't expect a weight loss this week and was actually pleasantly surprised that I did lose half a pound. But I also know that I can't keep going like this, because I truly feel like I am pushing my luck. I think what saved me was that I regularly went to the gym, and I (sort of) tried to make healthier choices at the restaurants. But regardless, I know that if I keep eating like that, the pounds will not come off the way I would like them to, so it's time to get my act together and plan meals!

This past week was also rough emotionally. It is getting closer to the one year anniversaries....one year since Joana's hospital stay where we were told her cancer was terminal, one year since hospice, one year since her last birthday with us, one year since her last birthday party, one year since the last time she was able to speak, one year since the last time she was able to get up, one year since the last time I was able to hold and kiss her, and of course one year since she passed away. These next six weeks will be filled with many of these one year anniversaries, and I am struggling. The finality of it all is crushing down on me, and some days it feels like it is suffocating me. The pain of losing your child is of a magnitude that you can not possibly imagine if you have not lived through the nightmare yourself.

Some days I wonder if it will ever get easier. What I have experienced so far is that each month it gets a little harder, the emptiness a little worse, the loneliness a little deeper. Missing your child hurts to the core.

But as I have said before, I owe it to Joana to live a life she would be proud of. Her life was taken from her, but I still have mine, and I need to live it in a way Joana would approve of.

For right now, I have to "fake it", but I hope that there will be a time again where I will feel happy and my smile will be genuine.

Walking with Joana

Tonight I went to the cemetery to water Joana's flowers and cut the grass around her headstone, and to walk for a bit. One loop around the cemetery is exactly one mile, and since I worked out at Planet Fitness this morning, I was only planning on walking one loop, two at the most.

But then it was so peaceful there. I absolutely love the cemetery we chose for Joana, and as weird as it sounds, I couldn't stop walking. My thoughts were all over the place, and before I knew it, I had walked four miles!

I thought about my losing weight and my fears associated with it. I know quite a few people who have been very successful at losing weight, and honestly, I am scared that I can't measure up to them. I know that's silly since it's not a competition, but I can't help the feelings. What if I tell people that I am trying to lose weight, but then I fail? What if I lose the weight but then gain it back? What if I decide to throw in the towel?

But wait...this is the former Tina talking. I need to shift my thinking and not worry about others. I am doing this for myself, and I am not accountable to anybody else. But this is not entirely true either. When I was in Minneapolis with Joana last year, we talked about my wanting to lose weight, and we made a deal: I would lose the weight, and then we would go shopping for new clothes together. We even shook on it.

I don't know if Joana can see what is going on down here on earth, but if she does, I want her to be proud and see that I am sticking to my part of the bargain. I know we will never go clothes shopping together, but I can't use that as an excuse for not doing my part. Being fit was always very important to her, and I will make her proud.

I know that every day will not be a "good" day (=good food choices), but I will not allow one "bad"day (=poor food choices) set the trend for the following days. One bad day will not make me gain all the weight back, but if I let one day lead to two, then three, then four....then I'll be in trouble. If I make poor choices, I promise myself to move on instead of dwelling on it. If I dwell on it, it will lead to more overeating.

It felt like I walked four miles with Joana. Although I generally do not feel closer to her at the cemetery, I felt like I was talking to her tonight as I was walking. And I am sure she gave me a "thumbs up" and a "Good job, Mama!"

By the skin of my teeth

It's been a long time since I wrote, and a lot has been going on.
Let's just say that this past week I was very, very lucky that I was able to mark a loss on my weight tracking chart...I really didn't deserve it! And who knows, maybe my bad food choices will take a few more days to catch up with me and next week will show a gain? I guess only time will tell.

The past four weeks have been extremely busy. My mom came to visit from Germany, and it was great spending time with her. We went on a one week vacation to Wisconsin, and the whole time there I did great food and exercise wise. When we got back, I had one more week to get ready for the 5k run/walk we put on to raise money for the scholarship I established in honor and memory of my daughter. We had a fantastic turnout and the whole event was a huge success.

The day after the race, I took my mom back to the airport because her time here in Michigan was already over. And then followed a week of poor food choices....

I know exactly what happened... I had been so busy and had so many things going on - my mom's visit, our vacation, the race - and all of those things were over all at once. It was like a big let down, nothing new to look forward to, nothing to plan, nothing to get ready for.

Did food make me feel better? Nope, not at all. Do I regret my poor choices? Absolutely. Am I going to let this one week define the next week and continue down the wrong path? Absolutely not.

I know I made the wrong choices, but this time I was able to catch myself before it got completely out of hand. And through my days of eating poorly, I still continued to exercise.

The next couple of months will be emotionally difficult for me. September brings the one year anniversary of being told that my daughter's cancer was terminal and that her doctors couldn't help her any more, and October brings the one year anniversary of her death. I am worried how I will make it through those two hard months, but I know that somehow I will. There really is no other option. But I might need a bit of extra support, and if you see me drown my pain in food....please stop me!

Plugging along

Haven't had a chance to post in a while...time is getting away from me. It's just crazy how fast each days goes by!

I am still plugging away at that weight loss thing and have now lost 9.5 pounds. It's a start, but I am also realistic (since I have done this so many times!) and know that the weight loss will slow down drastically, and that there will be weeks where I will plateau. It's those weeks that I have to be really careful to stick with it and look at the big picture.

This week has been difficult emotionally since it marks the six year anniversary of my daughter's diagnosis. It's been hard thinking back to how it all started. There were days when I was devastated, but also days when I was full of hope.

Today I read a great quote: "Parents of child loss become the world's greatest pretenders. We pretend we're okay, when inside we're falling apart. We pretend we've finally accepted the loss of our child, when we will never understand. We pretend that we feel like smiling, when inside we're crying buckets of tears. Simply put, we wear a mask and pretend life is moving along because if we didn't wear the mask it would scare people."

That quote really spoke to me. It's true, "we" become fantastic actors. It's what we have to do to survive. And I owe it to the rest of my family. But...I hope that someday my smile will be genuine again, that I will laugh out loud because I truly think something is funny, that I look forward to doing activities with my kids rather than feeling obligated to do so. I hope that someday I will be genuine again. Joana will always be missed, but I hope that someday the wound will heal to the point where it is not as raw any more and where I can smile without pretending.

But for right now, I will continue to act and take one day at a time.

Still my cheerleader!

This morning I got up at 6 o'clock to go to the gym. I went downstairs, checked my emails and Facebook, drank something, and sat some more. I just couldn't get myself to go. I opened the patio door, and the cool air felt awesome. I sat back down, and pondered what to do. Yes, I had planned on going to the gym, but a nice, brisk walk outside sounded so much better.

I laced up my shoes and went walking. This is huge for me! Instead of sitting on the couch contemplating till it's too late to go, I allowed myself a last minute change in plans. I did not feel guilty about ditching the gym and enjoyed the cool morning.

While I was walking, I was wondering what Joana would think of this. She was always on my case about going to the gym, and sometimes she would call me just to ask if I went to the gym that morning. Just as I was thinking about this, I looked down on the street and saw this:

 

Yup, she is still my biggest cheerleader, and I take this as a sign that she approved of my change in plans! :)

A new aproach

A couple of years ago I lost quite a bit of weight, but I didn't keep any of it off. At the time, I logged every bite that went into my mouth, counted calories, and I obsessed with tracking my steps with my Fitbit.

Sounds like a great approach, doesn't it? Well, at the time it worked for me, but I am not so sure it was a healthy way...physically and mentally. I allowed myself a certain amount of calories per day. It didn't really matter where those calories came from. Healthy food, junk food, fast food, empty calorie food...everything was fair game as long as I didn't go over my allotted calories.

This time I am not counting any calories. I am trying to feed my body healthy foods, foods with nutritional value. I will exercise, but I will not feel like a failure if there is a day without exercise. I do not have to be perfect to be successful. If this does not work for me, I can always re-evaluate.

Here are some strange ways my mind used to work:

* "I can't have that banana, there are way too many calories in bananas."
* "I didn't exercise today, so I might as well give up for the day and splurge."
* "I can't believe I had a donut this morning. Oh well, I will start again tomorrow morning...which means I can eat whatever I want for the rest of the day."
* "I forgot my Fitbit at home...so why bother walking more."
* "I am not hungry but have 200 calories left for the day... so a scoop of ice cream it is!"

Writing some of these thoughts out makes me realize how warped my thinking was! It worked for a while, but not in the long run. Time to overhaul my thought process!

Two victories

It's so easy to concentrate on our failures and shortcomings, and even easier to overlook our (sometimes very small) victories.

But if we only concentrate on the bad and don't celebrate the good, where does that really lead us? Does it lead to encouragement or does it discourage us?

Yesterday I was supposed to meet up with two friends for dinner after spending an afternoon with my two youngest kiddos in Ann Arbor. It was an emotional  few hours...parking in the parking deck of the hospital where my daughter was treated and where we received the most devastating news, and checking out a tree that was dedicated to Joana by one of her friends after she had passed away. I wish I would have been there by myself so I didn't have to entertain a 7 and a 9 year old...but maybe the distraction of their nonstop chatter was just what I needed. Anyway, I was SO close to canceling our dinner plans because, honestly, with the death of Joana I feel like I have lost all my socializing skills. But - drumroll please, here comes my victory! - I didn't cancel and it turned out to be a very enjoyable evening at a great restaurant! It was nice seeing one of my daughter's best friends and her mom, and the Greek salad I had was absolutely fantastic!

Victory #2 is quick...We didn't get back from Ann Arbor until late, and of course I had to watch the soccer game between Germany and Brazil (which I had recorded) before I went to bed. What a great game with a 7:1 victory for Germany! However, I went to bed later than normal, and really didn't feel like getting up early this morning to go to the gym. But, you guessed it, I got up, went, and now feel great about it!

Two small victories, but quite important in their small ways.

Joana's Tree